Alienation

I don't really fit in this world.

That is, I don't enjoy being here. I hate the obsession with appearance and oneupmanship and conformity. It is physically paining to put up with perceived injustice around me every day.

Let me give you an example. While riding the bus home yesterday I was surrounded by people having their own conversations, and it was pretty full so I had to sit next to someone else. Being an introvert by nature, being around so many people at once makes me feel uncomfortable and indeed, unnecessary. My hearing also isn't particularly good; since youth I've had problems which stopped me from learning how to ride a bike, and I had grommets in my ears for some time. Anyway, it is a struggle to hear even someone next to me, as the other voices disorient me.

I also hate repetition. Irrational though it is, I feel personally slighted when I have to say something twice or more - am I not interesting enough to listen to? Combined with my small ego, it makes me second-guess myself and I often end up holding my own counsel instead of trying to say what I think. So I don't like asking others to repeat themselves either, despite knowing they probably don't suffer from the same neuroses as I.

I've never been diagnosed with any kind of mental problem, but then again I haven't exactly been diagnosed a lot for anything. When I was 15 I had enormous problems with migraines that remain unexplained. The usual candidate would be stress (with school) but I honestly never felt much pressure because I'm quite strong with academics. I did get bullied (intelligent, pale, freckled, red hair, loquacious) but it really wasn't too bad.

This post hasn't actually born much relation to how I wanted it to come out. I guess that kind of thing is symptomatic of ADHD but I am loathe to claim it for many reasons.

I'll continue this topic later.